Damien Lucifer
Damien during his brief interest in taking steroids.




2006 (aged 564)


$16 trillion a minute second fucking NANOSECOND ya BITCH!!


The United States

Maybe you were looking for Satan instead? Ith beith quite possibleith.

Damien Satan Lucifer (1442-2006), better known simply as DSL, which is named after him, was a critic and journalist from back in the 6th century, or something like that, and was the only person to own any iPod, Game Boy (he gave it to the dog as a chew toy, though), a High-Def TV that was like 876 inch so it could fit his 17th floor's wall, even though the idiots who measured it measured it wrong and then he got all pissed and blew up their factory with some C-4.

He had emergency money that was considered the insolation of his Beverly Hills Mansion and he was the only person to have Xbox Live, which had to have fucking sucked, because he was the richest man in the 5th century and was the only one who could get Xbox Live until 2005. He got money off of taking a crowbar and beating the shit outta little fifth-graders as they walked by joyfully on their way to jungle treehouse school. His pet Pterredactul (or however the fuck you spell that hardass word), Demon, would eat the remains of what the crowbar couldn't split.


So many may ask what was so signficant about this rich man who went around fucking up the world? Eh? Just because he had all this futuristic stuff that no one else had because "money can buy anything".

The reason he is so signficant is not because he was the baddest badass out there at that time. No, it was because he was a critic for many popular films and music back then. That's how he rose to fame.

Many people have come to hate him for his sense of humor though, as he said of the movie 2012, written in 1667, "What the fuck was that? You shitheads thought I'd actually like that bullshit? Fucking grow up you stupid pricky dicks" and of the movie Titanic, too, in 1776, "Douches like you shouldn't be allowed to make movies like that. I sunk the Titanic you fucking dumbass. It wasn't Sean Connery and it wasn't Will Smith. It was me. I sunk it. Go to hell you bitches."

While everyone else walked everywhere and rode horses he drove around in this badass Lamborghini-Ferrari-Viper he called The Shit. While many charities were open during that time to help poor kids out, he simply took a few grenades and threw them out the window as he walked by.

There wasn't no Popo back then. Just tigers and lions. That's what would happen if you misbehaved. The tigers would eat you. But no, Damien wasn't afraid of that. He got these two powerlines and shocked them until they were black and then he ate them as toppings for his pizza. Tigers and lions. Yep. They only had about six back then.

Also, when people were having uncivilized wars back in the 8th century, they would hope to God that he would be on their side because while everyone else had stone tools and sticks to fight with he had like seven Uzis, several AK-47s, two rocket-launchers, and a minigun. He also once released what they called back then a 8-F Bomb, which released Febreze into the air and would blow up land area the size of Russia.

Damien died in 2006 from old age. He was 564 years old, but he ages slower than normal people due to the miracle slowth his doctor gave him, so each year was like 7 years to him (after he turned 21, of course).



Damien Satan Lucifer, born 1442, was raised a Roman Catholic and says that "I don't believe that bullshit for one second. That's why I killed my mom with a steak knife last Thursday." He became nonreligious soon after, as he went on a mad killing rampage which was blamed on rats and nicknamed the Bubonic Plague.

His mother's name was Daisy Sunflower Mellows while his father's name was Shitty Shithead Shits-a-lot. However his mom was the abusive one as she once took a dog collar and a leash and tied it to the end of their SUV and they drove to Walmart like that.



Damien found himself wanting his profession "to be a criminal", mainly because of all the "cool" things he could do if he were criminal, such as robbing banks, burning down cornfields with gasoline and pissing off farmers, making crop circles to freak out the farmers, and to blow up their houses to kill the farmers.

He hated farmers with a passion, for whatever reason.


But soon he found that he wanted to simply become a critic of movies and music so he did so and became known for being quoted for saying "things that are R-rated or at least PG-13", according to a mother for the Moms Against Damien Because Inside They Claim Heros Eat Sausages association, abbreviated as The M.A.D.B.I.T.C.H.E.S. Assiocation which has about seven-hundred million followers currently.


Damien found himself to only be really interested in four things: Family Guy, South Park, women, and Marijuana. He found these four things as if they were the greatest thing that ever happened and that this was "like when I got to turn Disney Land into a bloodbath. Man that was some fucked up shit, dude", a quote from him in a 1694 interview.

He also mentioned that he liked "all of Hip-Hop except for Soulja Boy. And that Weird Al Yankabitch dude. Seriously what the fuck is up with that guy?"

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